Welcome to July 2025
Soundtrack: Cry - Cigarettes After Sex
Weeks of Clouds
I regret to report that this has been a most lackluster and dreadful summer. Potentially the worst one yet. Twenty one years on earth and this one has been the most difficult for me to get my feet on the ground. I have met some great people this year. Some that I will never forget, and that I will regret being away from. But the strife does not come with the fact I am leaving town, it comes with the fact that the concept of my new life in my mind has been fading slightly in the way I needed it bright.
I am losing my friends. I guess I made some missteps, but for the life of me I can't figure out what it is. I will spend the next year and a half working on fulfilling promises and keeping in touch with people. I had been confident in the fact that I would not need to make many or any new friends in Florida because all of the friends I needed were online. It turns out that when you are the only one online, you cannot depend on everything going the speed you expect. People hang out, drink, bond, jest with each other and you are left to pick up the scraps. I make it sound sad, but I don't seek pity being left out. I have repressed my fear of missing out into a near non-existent feeling. Something I can't even identify anymore. All of this along with the longing for adventure. Something different or more exploratory. I want to fish, golf, workout, get into boats. Enjoy life offline. Life is very much online right now and all I have to show for myself is a Counter Strike rank.
I cant show anyone the laughs I have, or the things I do in Minecraft. I need to be an adult and start enjoying things that actually exist. I have romanticized a life inanimate. I hope I am not the only one. Important things are actually not important at all, digital icons, glorified PNGs. I have learned every sin by experience. I have indulged myself into what is feels good thinking it isgood. I have successfully lied to and convinved myself of an actual false reality.
This is not a cry for help, no one can help me besides my own self. This I am aware of and I think this gives me an advantage in recovery. Recovery because I need to recover from a bad brain, lazy life. How can one recover from all of the addictions I have? This has been the general fear. Except now its worsened because I think I will be doing it alone. I kind of hate what I have made of myself. I actively criticize what I have made of myself. I can only write to my computer screen in relief. Thank you for your time.
This has been Dot, thank you for reading!